20 April 2018

I know it’s been forever. Life makes me more dead than alive than ever. A week ago, I noticed something wrong. No one really follows me, unless I shove the URL in their faces, but I received notifications saying I have followers. Their e-mails don’t seem legit. Not that I mind those with weird e-mail addresses. You know something’s off when you see it.

With no further ado, I should recount my favourite moment of the year so far. None. My grand mother’s brother turned 100. Good for him. Then what? Nothing ever happens. No terrorism. No exciting serial killer stories. No plane crash, natural disaster, WWIII. It’s good that we don’t experience those. On the other hand, though, it makes everything so mundane. I’ve become extremely lethargic when my life isn’t in danger, or nothing chases behind me. I need a motivation. It’s unhealthy, but I can really use a kick.

When my finals are over, I’m going to put an end to my past. Identity crisis? Not really, no. I may not be the same person I used to be, however it doesn’t mean that person doesn’t contribute to my being. You hear whispers from the other you echoed in the back of your mind. Sometimes you look back to hear what they have to say. At times, they shout in a raspy voice from a dark corner. Their eyes are bloodshot. Angry. Hurt. Twisted. Because you leave them behind. They never see light. Never feel the warmth. I want a closure. I want to set them free. To clear my conscience and put my mind to rest. I don’t want a redemption. I only want to see it through. So there’s that.

Ah, and of course, I should mention that due to my ever shifting passion, I take up calligraphy, snail mailing, and collecting feathers. I also have an urge to write. A writer I looked up to when I was a teenage ‘resurrected’ a couple of days ago. His reappearance created a spark I needed. Now I need a whiteboard. Or a cork board? Whatever floats the boat, I suppose.

I shouldn’t be loitering around writing this. I here by bid you a temporary farewell.

4 Nov 17

Of course, I have no excuse to stop writing my own blog so here I am—returning from hell itself. Well, not literal hell, obviously. Writing this again after a long time of dropping off the grid feels weirdly satisfying. Having time for introspection is a good signal that my life isn’t so bad after all. Especially when today is my birthday.

22 Aug 17

It’s been a while, obviously. I moved again. Life’s been busy as hell can be when people have fun. I started quite a new life, with a familiar face. I have to stay there with my childhood friend, which is fairly comforting. I admit I don’t feel anything in particular knowing that. However, I find most people incompetent. They hold me back at times. It’s annoying. It seems like they know little about efficiency, let alone being professional without using feelings. Walking slowly while gossiping about god knows what like a heard of cattle like they are, I’m not surprised they find me different. Anyways, I’m on the top of the world, academically speaking. Emotionally? I’m not so sure it exists.

17 Nov 16

I’m not dead. At least not yet.

Far off the shore, the rising tides of trepidity and uncertainty are unforgiving–ruthless to all that dwells within the ocean of life. I now have to decide between being something I don’t like, and to gamble a year of my life to get what I want. If not, I have to be sent away into the oblivion of dismay again, far away from family and home.To grasp the essence of life is to feel the thrill, or so I thought. But this isn’t the kick I anticipate. This isn’t what I have in mind.

To dissipate all these clouds hanging over the whole paragraph, I may add that I actually wrote a letter to ‘Sherlock Holmes’ on my birthday. Don’t really expect a reply. It’s become a tradition on my birthday to write to someone that doesn’t exist instead of going out and celebrating like everyone else.

20 Sep 16

It’s such a wonderful day, isn’t it? Yes, I’m still alive, for now. I didn’t suppose my certain activities or, say, personal evaluation would attract anyone. Then again, this world is full of surprises, though whether you like the surprises or not is too much of a whimsical thought no one cares. With, maybe, an exception of yourself. How would you address your work, and what you do when you can’t even mention you have the job at all?

Enough ranting. I didn’t update anything or write, mostly because academics responsibilities and other peculiar interests. Umwelt, terror and crisis management, modern conflicts in Middle East, perfume research, hard profiling and floriography, to say the least. I haven’t been outside for at least a month now, but I don’t really know for sure. Time just slips. It’s killing me, and I know it, but I let myself be killed by thinking I’m killing time. Everybody talks about how they kill time, while time is killing them. It’s such a beautiful irony.

 

23 AUG 16

A weird day. Not particularly satisfying, but it wasn’t bad either.

I started the day with food poisoning. Just like India all over again, but milder. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Then again, that’s what family is for. Dragging you out of bed. Just a month a year for not waking up before a sane person would is apparently too much to ask. They said there would be an event I need to attend in the evening. Yeah well, I didn’t really care, but I had nothing to eat at home (not really, I’m too lazy to cook anything these days.) I’m bored with deliveries too.

22 AUG 16

Made a decision. I’m not going to be an army doctor.

I don’t think such a life suits me on a second thought after giving it some thoughts and doing some research. Yes, I can stand the physical burden, killing and everything. Everything except having to stand in line. I’m done with it. I’m not going to salute anyone I don’t respect either. Again. Done.

17 AUG 16

Nothing. Really.

I don’t know what to write about today for my journal. I was watching my neighbourhood on my binoculars today. Nothing interesting. Everything was too blatant. Simple. Quiet. It’s killing me. Dad found a microscope, but I couldn’t find suitable adapter. Now I have 2 microscopes. They’re old, yet somewhat reliable. It would be nice if I get a new one. I started to do push-up, sit-up and etc. in the morning. The jogging is for dusk only, as I don’t want to run with the Russians. I’ve had enough of Eastern European and Russian for now. They aren’t bad, still, they would feel more comfortable being around familiar faces. I had a Ukrainian friend. He was kind of a nice guy. Sadly, he died in the civil war.

Anyway, there was nothing much today, no matter how I wanted it to be. Not to mention that a local transformer exploded and someone decided to light up the fireworks near my house. This is another reason why I want to have the power to snap my fingers and make people disappear.

16 AUG 16

Mick finally gets a head of his own, thanks to my housekeeper.

Today I was searching for Mick’s head. I was too lazy to do the work myself. I hate dust. My not-so-bright but loyal housekeeper was put to good use. She always interrupts me when I need to think or when I need to be alone, and she isn’t satisfied with having nothing to do. It was finally the perfect opportunity to send her away in search for a long-lost item. She came back with Mick’s head. Now he looks much better.   

15 AUG 16

What I need for my birthday is a geneticist, an EEG scan and maybe a telly in my room.

No, I seriously don’t have a telly in my room. And yes, I think those would make a perfect surprise, instead of a cake or a happy birthday song, it would be much, much more educational and useful to spend the resources on something I’m actually interested in. They dismiss this as some sort of “a waste of time, energy and money”. What a sad world I’m living in. I don’t understand why people get so sentimental with a pile of instant diabetes with candles. I would love to trade not having all the treats they think every person wants for ten more years for learning more about myself, since I can’t conduct experiments on others without their consent or without breaking a law.